Old 11-03-2018, 09:45 PM   #1
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Default Husband despises tattoos

Iíve scoured the threads and I found some good ones about how people on here view the issue of whether someoneís partner should approve of oneís choice of tattoo. I would like to give my particular situation and get some opinions, and hopefully some advice on how to proceed.

Before I met my husband (12 years ago) I was designing a tattoo for myself. I love tattoos. I was in a very low place in my life so when I met him and he was wonderful to me, when he told me he hated girls with tattoos I actually felt thankful that I hadnít gotten the tattoo that I was designing. He knew I was planning on getting one and made it clear he would find it unattractive. I was fine not having a tattoo for a few years but got to really wanting some. He was obstinate. Finally, I had brought it up so often that he used it as a reward if I accomplished this huge achievement in my career. Well, I sort of feel like he didnít expect me to achieve it because when I did, about a year later, I reminded him of his promise. He fought it, we had a huge fight and he shut down and ended up sleeping on the couch (his choice). He finally came around and was sweet about t. We went together, and now I have a lovely quote from my favorite book down the left side of my back, sort of just behind my arm. Well..........now I want MORE. I have an amazing ďalmostĒ half sleeve designed to honor my grandmother, and I am dying to get it done. I fretted for months and finally worked up the nerve to tell him I wanted another tattoo, and that I wanted my grandmotherís portrait and roses and such, and he freaked. He vehemently said ďitís like youíre trying to make yourself unattractive to me! That sounds so trashy!Ē I was not surprised by his reaction, nonetheless disappointed and just deflated.

I very much care what my spouse thinks of me but st the same time I very much care about my own ability and freedom to express myself through artwork on my body. Sorry this was so long. I am so curious if there are others in this situation. If so, what did you do? And for the others who are not in this situation, what would you do?
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Old 11-03-2018, 11:09 PM   #2
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Hi and welcome

These sorts of threads can really spark a war of words so I'll try my best to use some tact.

I could be way off here but it seems to me, by the way you've described your situation, that this comes across as something that runs a little deeper than just the tattoo. Please don't take that the wrong way, I don't know you or pretend to know your situation, I'm just interpreting what you've written as it appears to me.

However, you say you met your husband at a very vulnerable time in your life and that his opinion dominated your own to the point of compromising your own wishes in place of his. Again I could be wrong, but fast forward to current times where you are not in that place anymore and maybe your tattoo is reflective of you gaining your confidence back as an individual and he is not comfortable with that. Maybe he likes to have that element of control?

Or he is just one of those people, who I personally will never understand, who see tattoos as a personal insult and see fit to go beyond just disliking something to the point of hateful/spiteful feelings which effects the way they treat people.

Either way, it's my own view that no one was put on this earth to be unquestionably subservient to their spouses to the point of having to deviate away from who you truly want to be. I don't see that as healthy for either party.

For me, at the end of the day, it's a modest patch of skin, in an area that you can cover easily if you want to and as such, seeing beyond that modification should not be such an insurmountable task given the more important trials and tribulations people go through in this life.
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Old 11-03-2018, 11:28 PM   #3
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Hi there. You're not alone, since I experienced quite a similar situation. I'm 24 and I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now.

I've never hidden my passion for tattoos to her. Thing is, she absolutely hates tattoos and, while she was ok for me to like the tattoo world, she told me straight from the beginning that getting a tattoo would possibly be a deal breaker. Well, I tried to forget the idea of getting one for years, and ended up really frustrated because getting this tattoo was an absolute dream for me.

So, last September, when the tattoo artist I wanted for my first tattoo opened his bookings, I made an appointment (which took place 5 weeks ago). I told my girlfriend about it 6 weeks before getting tattooed, so that she wouldn't have too much time to try to make me cancel the appointment. So I told her, and to be honest this was by far the worst argument we'd had so far. She stopped talking to me for days, told me she would possibly leave me because she wouldn't be able to cope with it. Then, I explained to her that it was ok if she left, since I wouldn't change my true self for her to be satisfied, but I also tried to explain why getting a tattoo mattered that much to me. And then, she told me she would try to accept it because she truly loved me. I now have a huge wolf on my chest (30cm x 20), and while she was really reluctant at first, she now tends to accept it (we even went to the swimming pool last week without her complaining about it), though she had previously told me that she wouldn't want me to take off my shirt when I'm with her.

So let's go straight to the point : you and your husband are different. You can't force him to love tattoos if he doesn't want to, but maybe try to explain to him that true love goes far beyond some ink under your skin. If he deeply loves you for who you are, he'll stay with you. If not, he may leave, but you certainly doesn't want to sacrifice your true self for a man who would leave you over something like this. I mean, it doesn't change you as a whole, it is just some ink on you, which is really no big deal.. I think he can come to terms with it if you tell him why you really want the tattoo, why you have to do it in order to fulfill your own dream. The key is, imo, having a serious talk about it without arguing too strongly (easier said than done, I know).. Be strong, be brave and try to talk about it to him. Good luck, anyway! Keep us informed

Last edited by guesinho93; 12-03-2018 at 12:24 AM.
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Old 11-03-2018, 11:55 PM   #4
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Hmmmmm it’s a dilemma for sure. One, if you don’t mind me saying, more pertinent to a relationship guidance forum than this one I would suggest. Everyone here is a tattoo enthusiast of varying degree so we are more likely to support your view than that of your spouse in this particular debate.

It’s a shame you feel you have to fret for months before raising something your husband is going to disagree with however. Ask yourself, does he do the same before suggesting something that might be unpopular with you?
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Old 12-03-2018, 01:25 AM   #5
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i’ll be damned before i let someone else determine my ability to express myself.
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Old 12-03-2018, 02:09 AM   #6
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Really depends their attitude about it imo. The way you describe it makes him sound like a bit of a dick to be honest but that's obviously just my opinion. I wanted to get a wolf head tattoo and my wife said she really doesn't like it but if I wanted to get it that's okay too. I ended up not going for it cause there are plenty of other tattoos out there that I want and I don't want anything on my body that my wife really doesn't like.
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Old 12-03-2018, 11:32 AM   #7
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My wife appreciates tattoos but isn't so into them she'd get one herself. She likes mine, and when I think of a new one I always run it by her. But the answer is always the same. "It's up to you."
She knows it's my body and I can do what I want to it. And she will love me no matter what. That's the main thing.

When you love someone, no matter if they lose a limb or get burned or disfigured somehow you still love them. That's what marriage is all about. If someone can't love you because you have a tattoo, then they won't love you if you get fat or your hair falls out or you are in an accident that leaves your appearance changed or you have a baby and get stretch marks. That's not the kind of person you deserve to be with.

I'm trying to see it from his side. If he thinks it will look trashy and he's just trying to look out for you, then try to show him tattoos where it doesn't look trashy. A lot of people have only seen mediocre tattoos and have never seen the work of the likes of Carlos Torres.
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Old 12-03-2018, 01:03 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chickabiddybex View Post
My wife appreciates tattoos but isn't so into them she'd get one herself. She likes mine, and when I think of a new one I always run it by her. But the answer is always the same. "It's up to you."
She knows it's my body and I can do what I want to it. And she will love me no matter what. That's the main thing.

When you love someone, no matter if they lose a limb or get burned or disfigured somehow you still love them. That's what marriage is all about. If someone can't love you because you have a tattoo, then they won't love you if you get fat or your hair falls out or you are in an accident that leaves your appearance changed or you have a baby and get stretch marks. That's not the kind of person you deserve to be with.

I'm trying to see it from his side. If he thinks it will look trashy and he's just trying to look out for you, then try to show him tattoos where it doesn't look trashy. A lot of people have only seen mediocre tattoos and have never seen the work of the likes of Carlos Torres.
this
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Old 12-03-2018, 04:05 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chickabiddybex View Post
My wife appreciates tattoos but isn't so into them she'd get one herself. She likes mine, and when I think of a new one I always run it by her. But the answer is always the same. "It's up to you."
She knows it's my body and I can do what I want to it. And she will love me no matter what. That's the main thing.

When you love someone, no matter if they lose a limb or get burned or disfigured somehow you still love them. That's what marriage is all about. If someone can't love you because you have a tattoo, then they won't love you if you get fat or your hair falls out or you are in an accident that leaves your appearance changed or you have a baby and get stretch marks. That's not the kind of person you deserve to be with.

I'm trying to see it from his side. If he thinks it will look trashy and he's just trying to look out for you, then try to show him tattoos where it doesn't look trashy. A lot of people have only seen mediocre tattoos and have never seen the work of the likes of Carlos Torres.
good reply.
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Old 12-03-2018, 09:52 PM   #10
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Lolly, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Honestly I think it might be a little of both. He does tend to have an opinion about quite a lot of things I like or want to do and now that I have more confidence and don’t listen or acquiesce quite as easily I think it has thrown him off in recent years. I absolutely believe that I am more vocal now about my desire for more body art because I have grown so much over the last decade and it is possible that my growth scares him. I appreciate your insight.
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