Paul Sweeney - 216: Sweet Dreams

Published: 17 September, 2012 - Featured in Skin Deep 216, September, 2012

The other night I dreamt I was riding bareback, at sunset, across a sandy beach, atop a golden horse named Douglas…

Douglas was less of the reflective yellow gold commonly associated with precious metal gold bars, and far more comparable to the yellow gold of a McVitie’s Gold Bar, of the biscuit variety. Fearlessly, Douglas and I galloped majestically beyond the horizon in hot pursuit of the ever-diminishing sunlight. But the longer we galloped and the hotter we pursued, the more tired Douglas and I became until, eventually, we found ourselves consumed by our own blind ambition, as well as the deep blue darkness of the night sky. With only the faint silvery hue from the moonlit sky to guide our way, exhausted, we collapsed together.

Sensing my defeat, Douglas compassionately lent me his ear, which I gratefully chewed upon, literally; it turned out that Douglas was actually made entirely out of McVitie’s Gold Bar chocolate biscuit! Weakened by the weight of my own defeat and overcome by my addiction to McVitie’s Gold Bars, before I knew it I’d devoured Douglas, leaving only a few crumbs that were indistinguishable from the grains of sand around me; “Damn you Douglas!” I screamed. “You were the best (tastiest) friend a man could ever have, and now you’re gone, gone, gone! I will make it my life’s ambition to tell the people of the world (readers of Skin Deep magazine) of your phenomenal self sacrifice… your life shall not be taken in vain!”

I’m not going to pretend I have any idea of what that dream symbolised… but I’m sure I could happily hypothesise over various figurative correlations between the role of Douglas and my real relationships (chill out! I’ve never eaten any of my friends and nor do I ever intend to!).

Those of you who’ve gained some small insight into my absurd existence over the course of the last seven articles are more than aware of my ability to make something out of nothing. But this month I embark on making nothing out of something, as I experience my first ever tattoo removal… “BRING ON THE LASERS!” All joking aside, I will be carefully documenting the whole ‘Bond villain torture experience’ for your reading/ viewing pleasure – iPad subscribers will also be able to watch the first treatment from start to finish. (And I shall be there to report/laugh. Delete as applicable. Ed.)

Over the next few months it is my aim to give you the most insightful report possible. No ‘manning up’ – if it hurts you’ll hear it; if it burns, you’ll know; if it itches, I’ll let you know how much and how long for. We’ve all made mistakes, but redemption is no longer reserved for the ‘holier than thou’.


Text: Paul Sweeney