Paul Sweeney - 222: Techno Fable

Published: 26 February, 2013 - Featured in Skin Deep 222, March, 2013

Once upon a time there was a handsome young tattooed man: it’s beside the point to mention just how handsome this young man was, but let’s just say, if he was ten times uglier than he is now, he’d still be a million times more handsome than the most handsome man you’ve ever seen.

To say his facial hair was magnificent would be an understatement punishable by death; if wearing a moustache were a viable career option this guy would be the highest earner in his field. So, with those irrelevant statements pointlessly concluded, on with the story of the handsome young man…

Despite his devilish good looks, it would be fair to say, the handsome young man was not the most technologically minded of individuals. His retrospective obsession had spread further than just his immaculately vintage appearance; the handsome young man was about as up-to-date with his modern appliances as a monkey without a typewriter.

It will come as no surprise when I tell you that the handsome man (who now I think about it, has a very familiar look about him) fell foul to the evil World Wide Web witches, who cast a spell on him (gave his computer a virus). “WHAT THE SHIT?” screamed the handsome young man, upon discovering his fate.

Desperate to put an end to his suffering, the handsome young man searched the kingdom (internet) far and wide, for the crucial antidote to lift the spell, but in his lack of haste and knowledge, the handsome young technophobe made a terrible mistake and as a result, lost memory (accidentally deleted a considerable amount of Word documents).

After seeking the wisdom of a fair maiden (his girlfriend), together they managed to remove the spell, but sadly the handsome young man’s lost memories had not returned (my… I mean, his, Word document’s looked like they’d fucked off for good). The handsome young man was lost and confused, but also relieved that the spell had been lifted, and disappointed in himself that he hadn’t backed his memories up in a magical shoebox (external hard drive). The fair maiden took the handsome young man to a wise shaman (his girlfriend told him to take his computer to a PC specialist); only time will tell if the handsome young man will ever retrieve his memories, but I think there is something that can be learnt from the foolish, yet steaming hot, handsome young man’s mistakes.

If you were in any doubt, the moral of this story is – it’s fine to look like you’re from the past, but its 2013 now, so don’t be a div like the handsome young man and BACK THE FUCK UP!


Text: Paul Sweeney